I always know it's a bad cycle. To stay alone - to emo - to stay alone - to emo. I understand it well, but it's somehow a big task for me for not falling into this trap.
Somehow I finally found the reason why me act so damn weird nowadays.
Because I care but then I am forcing myself for not to care.
I wish to say something, I wish to do something, but what should I do and what should I say?
I lost my way. I don't know how to react, I don't know what to do. So at the end, I did nothing and said nothing.
It's not that I never try. It's not that I don't willing to try. And it's not that I shut the door completely and never let people in again.
But I tried. I tried to get into the conversation, but I can't understand. I asked, but I received no reply and yet the topics still surrounding those topics that I don't understand. For once, it was fine. For the second and third time, well I can still take it. But if it's accumulating, how long that I could take it?
And the pain is overwhelming. The feeling of being dumped over controlling me. Why am I alone was the question raised very frequently over the period.
I need a listener, but I was afraid to get anyone. I don't wish and was afraid to take in any more failure.
Somehow I really never take her as my rival. But at first maybe I do take her as my replacement. I never jealous, yet I am glad. At least someone there replacing me when you need. Just that I am really not those kind who are that generous that can completely let someone replaced me. I don't feel right for just leave in such way.
I care, but how to tell? To force myself to get in? Nah, it's just not something I can do it well, after all the failures.
I made a wrong decision. I tried to convince myself that I don't care. As long as I am still there, I shouldn't care even if I can't understand a thing. Because showing that I really care, will make you worry. Because showing that I really care, but at the end if I can't get back in, will make me feel even more pain. I am convincing myself to be the strong one and to pretend I am ok.
I really didn't realise that my acting and pretending skill can be that weak. Somehow I should blame myself for posting too much on Twitter haha. And what I did brought even more misunderstanding. I am really sorry if you think I am purposely boycotting her. I am really sorry if again I make you worry. Forgive me for being like a child in this case. The child who ran away when she feels pain.
"We can't become what we want to be by staying what we are." So maybe just one last try? To re-attach myself. I really don't wish to leave and I wish I will never leave.
Again, sorry for the disappointment caused. I feel your love tonight.
Thanks for pulling me back when I am in the midst of nowhere.
With love,
WanQi
